


Faking It

by PastyPirate



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Bar Fight, F/M, Fluff, References to Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-02
Updated: 2016-02-02
Packaged: 2018-05-17 19:32:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5882806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PastyPirate/pseuds/PastyPirate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You mean to tell me, I show up to have a relaxing drink only to discover the 82nd and the 99 in a brawl over Detective Peralta’s sexual prowess?” Captain Holt’s glare had softened, but his back was still straight as he towered over the group of detectives huddled around the table, Gina’s camera had paused on the image of Amy being tackled by someone in the 82nd, just as Rosa was picking up a barstool in the background.</p><p>In which Amy wins a break-up, for once.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Faking It

Amy Santiago was a good person. She did not deserve to be sitting in the back of a bar, neatly arranged with the rest of the detectives, staring up at her captain and dying of embarrassment. 

“Will one of you fully grown detectives, please explain to me exactly what happened?” Holt stood ramrod straight, a stance Amy was unconsciously mirroring in her chair, glaring down at the squad who was in various states of bruised and ruffled. 

“Well-” Jake leaned forward, the warmth of his body annoyingly reassuring against Amy’s side. Part of her, the part that was annoyed by him for the first few years of their acquaintance, hated how much his presence comforted her.

“Not from you Detective Peralta-” Holt shot back. 

“He’s full titling us, abort abort” Jake muttered in her ear, or stage whispered in her ear really. 

“Well Jake is innocent-” Charles started but Holt wasn’t having it. 

“Can someone who is unbiased inform me of what happened?” Holt glared at Terry, a shiner riding high on Terry’s cheekbone. 

“Don’t worry I got it all on tape!” Gina bust in helpfully. 

“Oh no!” Amy squawked as Jake fist pumped next to her. 

“Best day ever!” Jake said as Charles bustled closer, Amy could feel Rosa and Terry leaning over them as Holt turned to face Gina. 

They could all see clearly the tiny little screen that played the video. A tiny unrumpled version of herself was on the screen. She could see her cheeks flushing with anger and the reassuring hold Jake had on her shoulder. 

Partially blocking the screen was Teddy’s head, as he said some things he probably regretted. It’d been nearly two years since Amy had seen him, she definitely wasn’t expecting to see him at the cross precinct bar crawl. Technically his precinct wasn’t even invited. If she had known he’d be there she’d wouldn’t have walked into the bar hand in hand with Jake. And she definitely wouldn’t have stood between him and the bar, Jake’s arm wrapped around her waist as they both leaned against the bar trying to get the bartender’s attention. 

But she hadn’t known, and she’d kept her fingers laced with Jake’s because it’d been a long week and he was more cuddly than a puppy during their free time. 

That’s when Teddy came up, polite as always, casually saying hi and then casually managing to hint that she’d jump out of Teddy’s bed and straight into Jake’s. Which was insulting to everyone involved and she had pointed that out to him. 

It only escalated from there, in the way that it always did when two exes ran into each other in a bar and one of them- to use Gina’s phrasing from earlier in the night- was clearly winning the breakup (which was nice, to be on the winning side of the breakup for once). 

Some words were said, and apparently Gina whipped out her phone just in time to catch a flushed and angry Amy scream-

“-Well at least with Jake I’ve never had to fake it!” 

Both on the screen and in the small room filled to the brim with the 99 an echo of “oohs” radiated out. On-screen-Jake’s mouth opened with a wide excited smile, just as In-person-Jake stage whispered “best day ever!”

They could all see it coming, the wind up and the snap of Jake’s head as Teddy’s fist made contact with his chin. Amy stood between them, anger quickly turning to shock, before she even had a chance to push Teddy away Rosa jumped in, giving as good as Teddy. It wasn’t long before Teddy’s friends had joined in with the rest of the 99. Gina’s videoing took two steps back to allow for the jumble of bodies as Amy stood in the middle, jaw dropped in shock. 

“As you clearly can see, Teddy started it.” Charles leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms as he did so. 

“You mean to tell me, I show up to have a relaxing drink only to discover the 82nd and the 99 in a brawl over Detective Peralta’s sexual prowess?” Captain Holt’s glare had softened, but his back was still straight as he towered over the group of detectives huddled around the table, Gina’s camera had paused on the image of Amy being tackled by someone in the 82nd, just as Rosa was picking up a barstool in the background. 

“Over Detective Peralta’s amazing prowess!” Jake interjected, putting his hand up for a high five, Amy just glared at him. 

“To be fair, she didn’t say you were amazing” Gina pulled her phone back to her chest, smiling down at the detectives from next to Holt, “just that she didn’t have to fake it with you. That could mean anything.”

“Of course Jake is amazing in bed!” Charles butted in, but Jake just shook his head. 

“Nope, no, no it’s weird when you say it.” Jake crossed his arms, leaning back in his chair. 

“Jake’s sexual prowess aside-” Amy began to say, desperate to get the situation back under control, “-I should not have been arguing with Detective Wells in a public-”

“Well isn’t Jake amazing in bed?” Charles asked Amy, completely disregarding apology. 

“Although Terry is more than happy to place the blame on his detectives when they’re at fault, that’s really not the case here-” Terry walked around the table, the volume pitching louder as Gina jumped into the fray. 

“Of course Jake isn’t amazing in bed, Teddy is just completely horrible in bed and Jake is slightly better, that’s obviously the case.” Gina began playing with her phone, as Jake’s back stiffened to match Amy’s. 

“Hey I’m amazing in bed okay? Ask anyone!” the blush that had been waging a war against Amy’s skin won, and she flushed as red as she possibly could, but Jake wasn’t done “Anyone who has had sex with me that is.”

“No one wants to know if you’re good in bed Peralta. No one.” Amy would’ve hugged Rosa, but Rosa continued, “Is he though?”

“Enough!” Amy slapped the table, the chair clattered as she stood up, “this is crazy! I’m trying to apologize and you’re all talking about how good Jake is in bed!”

“Well now we’re just curious-” Gina started, but she stopped, taking a look at Amy’s wide eyes, “Oh Em Gee. He’s actually good in bed?” 

Everyone’s eyes snapped to Amy who did her best not to show a single emotion on her face, her lips screwed tight and her eyes wide and pleading them all to just drop it. 

But she was surrounded by the best detectives she knew, and she’d already basically confirmed it hours before. 

“Oh that’s gross.” Rosa broke the silence, shifting her weight as Charles leapt up from his chair. 

“I knew it! Of course Jakey’s good in bed!” 

“This is the best day ever.” 

“How is that even possible?” Gina’s words were horrified but her voice was delighted, Amy felt, just a little bit, like bursting into flames. 

“What do you want specifics on why Jake’s the best I’ve ever had? Like his mouth can do so much more than just be annoying?” Amy realized her mistake even as she said it but it was already in motion. The groans and cheers burst out in stereo as Amy just closed her eyes, bursting into flame was looking more and more possible. 

“Well that’s just disgusting, not surprising, but disgusting.” Gina offered. 

“That is certainly more information than I needed to know Detective Santiago.” Holt said over the sound of Jake and Charles high fiving. 

“I’m sorry for shouting at Detective Wells and starting a bar fight!” Amy squeaked out amongst the giggling detectives and her traitor of a boyfriend who was just sitting next to her looking like a smug hero who managed to win the very crappy day. 

“It is obvious to me that the bar fight wasn’t started by the 99, all accounts and Gina’s video show exactly who threw the first punch.” The captain’s glare had definitely turned to a fond sort of glare, which made Amy want to transfer to a precinct in Boston and never look back. “Santiago, Peralta, you’ve been astonishingly nothing more than professional in your work despite the apparently satisfying relationship you have-”

“Amazing is the word being thrown around, Captain.” Jake interjected, his fingers laced behind his head as he grinned. 

“-You have not led me to believe that you’re the type of people to start a bar fight. Diaz, Boyle, and Jeffords, you lept to the defense of a friend which I appreciate. And Gina-” Holt turned to Gina, his blank and oddly fond glare turning into a small sort of smile, “you apparently filmed it.”

“That I did, I’m a service to the force, sir.” 

“Those of the 82nd who were involved do not appear to be pressing charges, and neither will we. Relations will be tough moving forward but we are all going to get over this. This was not a formal police event, it just so happens that the building is full of cops. But we will not make a mockery of the 99. All of you will be making a formal apology to the 82nd for your part in the fight, as I suspect they will be extending one as well, but none of you are to take the blame for it. Especially you Santiago.” 

Amy’s mouth snapped shut from where she was poised to leap in. “A jealous ex-boyfriend isn’t your fault Santiago, it appears that Detective Wells needs to- what is that phrase?- Get his shit together.”

“Best. Day. Ever.” Jake whispered fondly from next to her. 

“You’re all dismissed. Go clean yourselves up.” Captain Holt turned away from them, walking out of the cramped room into the bar with Terry hot on his heels. Rosa took one look at Amy before heading after them, herding Gina and Charles who were both congratulating Jake in their own ways with her. 

“This is the worst day in the history of the world.” Amy sank into the chair that had been left abandoned, dropping her head onto her folded arms. 

“It’s not so bad-” Jake started, using his foot to tug her chair over and rub her back, Amy just groaned in response, “okay well I can see how you’d be embarrassed but I think you’ve made all the other ladies jealous, with your hot stud of a boyfriend who is amazing in bed.”

“Why are you acting so surprised?” Amy sat up, “it’s not news to you that you’re amazing in bed, you’re there too.” 

“Well yeah but sex is always awesome for dudes. And apparently it’s harder for some of us to realize when a lady is enjoying it as well-”

“Were you worried that I was faking it? Your neighbor sent you a vaguely aggressive email about the ‘loud associate’ you bring home.” She used her fingers to quote emphasis before continuing, “we were calmly asked to leave our cruise suite and pursue quieter activities like bowling and karaoke.” 

“Yeah,” Jake’s grin faltered for a second, and Amy could feel a ‘Noice’ coming on, she was no longer the only uncomfortable one. “We should-”

“You thought I was faking it!” It was Amy’s turn to grin wide, “this whole time?”

“Well not the whole- can we go?” Jake stood up, his chair scraping against the tiled floor as he grabbed his coat and hers, “this is not a back of the bar room talk.” 

“Oh we can leave but we’re talking about this, and no Noice.” Amy followed his lead, shoving her arms into the coat. 

“Smort” He shot back, just as Amy expected. 

The bar was still packed with detectives and detective-hopefuls from several Brooklyn precincts. A few 82nd detectives- including Teddy- were huddled around one table, a pitcher and glasses between them. The 99 were lined up near the bar, jostling to get the bartender’s attention. 

“Aw, I never bought you a drink.” Jake frowned as he looked over towards their colleagues, “maybe we should-”

“No, I definitely do not want to be here right now,” Amy looped her arm through Jake’s, ignoring the way Teddy’s narrowed at them. “I want to be far away from this place of shame.”

“Don’t you mean this place of amazing?” Jake shot back, lifting a hand to wave to their friends, pointing towards the door afterwards. 

“I mean place of shame. I’m never coming back here again.” The cool air blasted her as they stepped outside, she burrowed deeper into Jake’s side, Jake took the hint, wrapping his arm around her. “Don’t be cute with me,” She muttered as she wrapped her arm around his waist under his coat, “I’m mad at you, you let me embarrass myself.”

“Yeah I probably should’ve kept you from voluntarily shouting several times about how amazing I am in bed. That sounds like me.” Jake’s hand clenched on her shoulder and despite herself Amy smiled. 

“Still,” they didn’t hail any of the cabs that went past them, it was a nice enough night and she had her arm wrapped around her boyfriend. Plus she didn’t want the cab driver to overhear. “When did you think I was faking it?”

“Oh come on- do we have to?” Jake groaned and she just smiled and pulled him closer. 

“I just shouted to the whole bar that I don’t fake it with you, so don’t fake it with me, when did you think I was faking it?” She tried for reassuring, stroking his side over his sweater.

"I don’t know? Last week?” Jake offered, clearly still evading, because last week had been variations on a theme. Monday they’d been stuck in traffic on the way home listening to a DJ complain about how annoying it was to go down on ‘Bitches’ while another DJ made fun of him. Jake had responded by making fun of both of the DJs, snorting “weak” under his breath everytime the DJ said ‘fish taco.’ Amy didn’t change the channel because she knew that eventually Jake would start making fun of the DJs and it’d be hilarious. And it was. She was laughing so hard she was crying by the time they pulled into his parking spot. 

As they walked into the apartment Jake said ‘real men actually want to make their significant others happy.’ Which made Amy, who was Jake’s generally happy significant other, say ‘prove it.’

They didn’t even make it further than the doorway, he had her pressed against the closed door, her pants halfway across the room and his hand clenched on her thigh, holding it to his shoulder as she knocked his letter tray over trying to find something to grab onto. It wasn’t like Jake had never gone down on her before, in fact it was far more common than she saw coming (pun slightly intended) but his fierce streak to need to prove himself made her see stars. She could barely stand after the end of it, and he’d picked her up, dropping her on the bed before saying ‘You should always double check evidence Santiago, don’t want a case to get dropped.’ 

It was a long time before she got to return to return the favor, and even then her limbs were more like noodles. He’d brought her pizza (they had long since made a truce about eating food in bed) and stroked her hair while they watched HGTV on his ridiculously large television. Only to do something wonderfully similar the next night. 

“You know that’s not true,” she nudged him again, grinning, “you know I gave you multiple gold stickers last week.”

“Yeah, I showed Sicko Sid.” His grin was wide, as he turned to look at her, she just smiled up at him and his smile seemed to falter slightly. “I don’t know, we’ve been together ten months. I’ve must’ve disappointed you at least a few times.”

“Not in bed you haven’t,” she knew they weren’t talking about sex anymore, but she couldn’t stand to see him berate himself, “and not in any way really. I think you’re the best boyfriend I’ve ever had.”

“What?” Jake turned to her again, confusion riding across his face, “I’m a horrible boyfriend.” 

“No you really aren’t” her grin widened as she thought of reasons, compiling a list even as he spoke.

“We’ve definitely had arguments-” 

“Healthy arguments, about where our relationship is going. We argued when we were friends too, and we teased each other. That hasn’t changed.” She leaned against his shoulder, thinking of how snarky he could be when they got to work. The barbs they’d trade with grins on their faces. “Do you want to know why I faked it with Teddy- multiple times?”

“Obviously.” Jake said with a snort. 

“During the few times we’d get together he’d be insistent that we’d do it because our free time was so limited. But I’d always see him at the tail end of a horrible week, or we’d go to a pilsner bar and he’d just talk and talk.” She shrugged, “by the time we’d get back to one of our apartments-”

“Didn’t think of that, definitely burning your bed later.”

“-he’d be all, ‘but babe-’”

“Also never calling you babe again.”

“-‘We never get to spend time together!’ and I’d give in because I felt like I should-”

“Let’s go back, I’m feeling the strongest urge to punch him again. Guilt tripping sex is literally the worst. Well not the worst but-”

“And see? That’s what it is right there. You’d never guilt trip me into sex. I mean granted, we see each other 90% more than I ever saw Teddy, but I know for a fact that if we only saw each other once a week and I wasn’t in a good mood you wouldn’t push it.” Jake had nothing to say to that, so she kept on, “when I worked that prostitution case and I’d come over feeling dirty you didn’t even question it. You just pulled out your blankets and watched Fargo with me on the couch.” 

“Well it’s a good movie even if it’s not the best cop movie.”

“You always know when I want to, even if I don’t. You don’t maneuver me into bed but you worship me when we get there. Don’t think I haven’t noticed.” She shot him the best serious face she could muster, “I’ve definitely noticed.” 

“Well you’re an eleven, stooping to be with a ten.” He muttered, and even in the dark she could see the blush rising in his cheeks. 

“You treat me like I’m special, but not like I’m on a pedestal. You can be selfish but not when it matters. And you’re constantly surprising me, or trying to anyways. Tomorrow’s our first day off together since the cruise and I know for a fact that you have something planned.” She looked up at him, trusting him not to let her walk off the curb as they kept walking towards her apartment. 

“Yeah, you’ve been talking about that exhibit at the Met for weeks now.” He rolled his eyes, “but that doesn’t mean I’m the best boyfriend ever, I know my flaws-”

“Oh believe me, I know your flaws. I am very well acquainted with your flaws. But you’re my boyfriend. and I know for a fact that you’re the best boyfriend I’ve ever had.”

“That most definitely cannot be a fact, that’s definitely an opinion-”

“When I went out with Gina two weeks ago and stumbled into your apartment, you held my hair back as I threw up. You hadn’t even finished reading the letter for the cruise before calling me up and demanding that I reschedule everything to go off and get pampered. You save me the last muffin even when I know you want it and then only steal a few bites. You do a million little things every day and I appreciate it. I appreciate you and I’m glad we’re together, because even if we broke up tomorrow this would still be the best ten months of my life.”

Jake had gone silent, his usual weapons of joking and avoidance long past, but even Amy knew when she was pressing him too far to deal with his emotions. 

“How does this night start with me shouting that you’re good in bed and end with me reassuring you that you’re an amazing and wonderful boyfriend?” Amy squeezed his side again as they turned towards her building. 

“What? You’re compliment fishing now? Santiago! I thought you were better than that.” She grinned into his shoulder, not expecting him to continue. 

He pushed her away, standing in front of her as they stood in the entrance to her building. “While we’re being honest-”

She was suddenly overcome with nerves, that he’d say something like ‘Sophia called me and I’m running back to her, remember how devastated I was when we broke up? She’s definitely the love of my life. Bye!’ 

“-you’re also kind of good in bed.”

“Jake!” Amy shoved his shoulder as he laughed. 

“Okay fine! You’re the best I ever had, angels sing and the clouds part when I’m with you. Every day with you is like a dream and I’m not joking or exaggerating when I say that.” The corner of his mouth quirked up as he looked down at her. “You’re most definitely the best girlfriend I’ve ever had. And I love you and have loved you for an inappropriately long time.” 

“Aw Jake, I love you too.” Her hands cupped his neck, pulling him down to meet her as she pressed an entirely too innocent kiss on his lips. Before realizing what he said, “wait how inappropriately long?”

“Hey wanna book some time with the best you’ve ever had?” Sincerity being replaced with hilarity and mild panic. She just grinned. 

“Is quoting Friends the best idea right now?” She asked, turning to shove her key in the door. 

“I don’t know, is it working?” He asked, wrapping his arms around her waist as he followed. 

“It’s sad but it definitely is.”

 

Epilogue: 

“Before I do this I want to give you all a frame of reference.” Jake spoke into the megaphone as he stood on his perp chair, his foot propped on the desk as he looked around to the rest of the precinct. “Sophia, Tiffany, that girl from the sub shop-”

“This is a misuse of the precinct’s time Peralta!” Terry said from his desk. Amy’s jaw dropped as she stood by the captain near his office. 

“-Just give me a second Sarge! Alright where were we, oh right, Ms. New York when I was in the academy, if you don’t believe me ask Rosa she witnessed-”

“That girl was the most boring girl I’d ever met.” Rosa supplied helpfully from the hallway. 

“-And Detective Amy Santiago, who is standing right there for those of you who don’t know her, I’m talking to you dude in the hoodie, you’re a criminal and she’s a cop, it’d never work-” The criminal mostly looked confused as Charles nodded helpfully. 

“Peralta!” Terry moved towards him and Jake sped up. 

“Detective Amy Santiago is the best I’ve ever had! I’ve never had to fake it, not even pretend to have a headache!” Jake jumped from the chair, landing with a clatter out of Terry’s reach, before bowing to the smattering of applause of the 99. He went down with a shout of “Best Girlfriend!” as Terry tackled him. 

“Best day ever.” Amy muttered as Terry took away Jake’s megaphone and started yelling at him. 

“Disgusting.” Gina said without even bothering to look up from her phone. 

Amy just smiled and spun around to walk back into the captain’s office behind Holt.

**Author's Note:**

> I have no beta for this one cus I have no friends in this fandom. But the brainworm demanded to be written! 
> 
> Also it was supposed to be pg-13, but Sicko Sid ruins everything.


End file.
